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Dear Julia, I found it funny that Michele Bachmann recently revealed her favorite food and my first thought was “Wow, another reason to dislike the woman”. Why would I dislike her based on a food passion alone? Because her favorite food is celery. That’s why. Celery! Stringy, bitter, and always popping up in places when I least expect it! In fact, it’s much like the woman herself.

I hate celery almost as much as I hate cucumbers. Don’t even try to disguise it with a name like “Ants on a Log”. Peanut butter and raisins can’t dress this loser up. I dislike it in soups, stuffings, salads and side dishes. Okay, I don’t actually know any side dishes that feature it, that was just some nice alliteration. The only thing I will use celery for is the leaves, and that in a soup. I actually like them there, nicely sauteed with some pancetta before I add the rest of the soup ingredients.

I don’t exactly know why I dislike celery so much. It’s not the texture, I actually like snapping pieces of it. I think it’s the watery bitterness of it that really bothers me. And when it’s cooked it still has that watery taste and remains stringy. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me shiver. Much like my other most hated vegetable: cucumbers.

Samuel Johnson once said about cucumbers: “A cucumber should be well sliced, and dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out, as good for nothing,” which pretty much sums up how I feel about them as well. Yes, they are great in a facial mask, or moisturizer, and they’re quintessentially British but put them anywhere near my food and I’ll wretch. Even if they’re picked off of my salad it’s as though the greens have been contaminated. I can taste the flavor. Everyone says they’re bland, and there isn’t even a flavor to them, but I know they’re wrong. It’s bitter and watery. Actually, minus the texture they are just like celery. Perhaps this explains my dislike of the two green vegetables. 

Don’t even think that this post will end with a reveal that once they were properly prepared I liked them, just like with Brussel sprouts. I have had them properly prepared and I intend to continue following Samuel’s advice, only I’d like to add celery and Ms. Bachmann to things that are good for nothing.